By John F. Di Leo -
Introduction: Imagine, if you will, an alternate universe in which a confused old man – Joe Buckstop – stumbles into the presidency, and spends his entire term in his basement. Each evening, an aide walks downstairs and serves him his evening snack, and engages him in conversation about current events, in a losing effort to keep the old man's mind somewhat sound. Tonight's episode is an excerpt from the ongoing series, "Evening Soup with Basement Joe," by John F. Di Leo, a fictional chronicle of the events of 2021, a political satire available in paperback or eBook from Amazon.
"Buona Sera, Signore! Are you ready for your gelato, signore?"
"Huh? What's that? Who's there?"
"Vittorio, Signore. From the Embassy in Roma. Vittorio Humberto."
"Well, which is it?"
"I beg your pardon, signore?"
"Well who are ya, you gave me two names! Are ya Veet Oreo Humbertoes or … uhh… that other one you said? Veet Oreo Seen Your Aye?"
"Vittorio Humberto is my name, signore. I served you your sundae the other night, remember? When you arrived in Roma?"
"Oh, yeah. I remember now. You gonna get me some ice cream?"
"Is right here, signore. In this portable cooler, like last time, signore."
"Do you have any soup?"
"We have many soups, signore. Italians make many wonderful soups. Pastafagiole, minestrone, wedding soup, many kinds of tortellini soup…"
"Yummy! I'll take 'em all!"
"I am sorry, signore, but that is not on your diet. Your doctor said, gelato sundae, twice a week, before your evening vitamin shot, signore."
"Come on, man!"
"We have, for you, tonight, this chocolate variety sundae, signore. Three flavors of gelato – stracciatella, cioccolatto fondente, e cioccolatto lampone. You would call, ahh, vanilla with chocolate flecks, and deep chocolate, no… dark, that is it, dark chocolate… and ahh, chocolate raspberry, signore. With a little chocolate syrup and chocolate liqueur, and biscuits, no, what do you call them, wafers? Wafers."
"Is it good?"
"Is delicious, signore. All wonderful, signore."
"We'll see. Sounds weird. Never had anything like this in Scranton."
"Scranton, signore?"
"I'm a Scranton boy. I was raised in Scranton. Scranton PA. Coal town. Great place."
"Yes, signore."
"Never had anything that sounded this weird in Scranton."
"You never had chocolate ice cream in Scranton, signore?"
"Huh?"
"You never had chocolate chip ice cream in Scranton, signore?"
"Come on, man! Course we did!"
"This is the same thing. Probably better, signore, but it is the same thing. Just with Italian names, signore."
"I have to go to sleep. Big trip tomorrow. Going home."
"No, signore, they told me, I must not let you go to sleep, signore. They said, you have to be awake for your medication, and then tomorrow you go to Scotland, signore."
"Scotland?"
"Yes, signore. You meet tomorrow in Scotland, for the COP26 summit."
"Isn't that a secret?"
"No, signore. Is in your public schedule, signore. A climate summit, about sustainability, signore."
"I do that a lot."
"What is that, signore? What do you do, a lot?"
"Stainability. I stain my suit. I spill my soup…. at least, back when they let me have soup… Now I'll probably spill my sundae…"
"If you do not spill it, it will not stain anything, signore. Just be careful. But that is not what the summit is about. Do you not remember, signore?"
"Remember what?"
"What it's about, signore."
"What what's about?"
"Your meetings this week, signore."
"What meetings?"
"The ones about sustainability, signore."
"Oh? Where's that?"
"Tomorrow, signore, you fly to Scotland, to meet with COP26, a summit with lots and lots of world leaders, to talk about making the world sustainable, signore."
"What does that mean?"
"Ahh, you must remember, signore… is that green agenda concept… you know, fly less, travel less, stay home, don't move, only do things that do not require any power at all, or that can be powered with solar or wind power, which is about the same thing, signore. That sort of thing."
"Oh. Who am I meeting there?"
"About 25,000 people from all over the world, signore."
"Huh?"
"Many, many world leaders, signore, and their staffs, and entertainment, and reporters, and writers, and activists, you know."
"Oh."
"About 25,000 important people are driving and flying to Scotland… to agree on how to get less important people to stop driving and flying, signore."
"Huh?"
"How was your meeting with the man who calls himself pope the other day, signore?"
"Huh? Oh, right. Francis. We talked a while. Nice man. Reminded me of Satchel Paige."
"Who, signore?"
"Satchel Paige. Negro league. Baseball player. You don't remember?"
"I have heard of the Negro leagues, signore. Was about 20 years before I was born. And I was raised mostly in Italy, signore. My parents met in the Peace Corps, settled in Italy, worked for U.S. Department of State. I have not had much – how you say – familiar? no, familiarity – with baseball, signore."
"What's your name again?"
"Vittorio Humberto, signore."
"Oh. I'll never remember all that.'
"You do not have to, signore. But why did Cardinal Bergoglio remind you of a Negro league ballplayer, signore?"
"Huh?"
"He is a fat 84-year-old white Italian from Argentina, signore."
"Oh. Cause he's old."
"I beg your pardon, signore?"
"He's old. I'm old. Satchel Paige was old. That's what we have in common. We're all old."
"Oh. I think I'd rather talk about your meetings, signore."
"What meetings?"
"Well, you were in there for 75 minutes, signore. That is a long time for a meeting with him. What was it like?"
"Spent a lot of it in the bathroom."
"You met Cardinal Bergoglio in the bathroom?"
"No, the bathroom. Spent time in the bathroom."
"He was in the bathroom?"
"No, I was."
"Oh, I see. Well, did you have a good meeting otherwise?"
"Talked about Satchel Paige! Always fun, talking about Satchel Paige."
"I see, signore. Did you talk about the problem of islamofascist extremism, their sponsorship of terrorism, their recruiting centers through the west, and the spread of sharia law, signore?"
"Talked about Satchel Paige!"
"Well, yes, signore, but… did you, well, ahh, did you talk about the challenges of people being able to afford religious schools these days? I know that is a problem in America; I have cousins there… the Catholic grammar schools, and Catholic high schools, and the Catholic universities, well, ahh, to the extent that there still are any of those…"
"What?"
"Well, I just thought you might have talked about the challenges of hardworking parents affording to give their children a Christian education these days, signore. Was that one of the things you talked with Bergoglio about?"
"Talked about Satchel Paige!"
"I see. Well, ahh, signore… how about the G-20 meetings? How was that? Did those meetings go well, signore?"
"Raised taxes!"
"I beg your pardon, signore?"
"Raised taxes! That was a big problem going in. Some of the countries didn't wanna do it. Had to negotiate. Turn on the charm. Raised taxes!"
"You mean that agreement to set a minimum tax of 15% on all companies, signore?"
"Yeah, that's it! Lots of money! Gonna raise a lot of money that way!"
"Ahh, signore, that is, oh, you have an idiom… what is it…"
"Don't call me an idiot, you lying dog-faced pony soldier!"
"I beg your pardon, signore, I did not. I said idiom, signore. A figure of speech. Trying to remember the idiom, the term for when something may be true to a small extent, but is presented as much more, signore…"
"I lost you at the bakery."
"Yes, signore. I remember now. A stretch, signore. It is a stretch to think that this will raise lots of money, signore. Did they tell you it would, signore?"
"Staff said, 'get'em to agree to the flat 15%, and we're golden.' That's what they said! They know what they're talking about! Diversity hires. They know stuff, you know!"
"I see. Well, signore, most countries already charge more than that in taxes, signore. Most countries charge much more than that."
"They do?"
"Certainly, signore. The purpose of the agreement was just to try to pressure some competitive economies to not lower their business tax rates any lower as an – ahh… inducement? No. Enticement? Yes, enticement – as an enticement to foreign companies to relocate headquarters there, signore."
"Come on, man!"
"Really, signore, that is what it is about. It is just an effort to stop countries from setting very low tax rates to get companies to move, signore. It will not make much of an impact on countries' tax revenue, it will just reduce corporate moves, signore."
"They told me it was important."
"To them, I'm sure it was important, signore."
"Well, yeah."
"Did you ever find out who put the 'kick me' sign on your back, signore?"
"The what? Was there a 'kick me' sign on my back?"
"For at least a year, signore."
"Huh? I don't understand."
"Never mind, signore. What else did you discuss with the G-20 people, signore? Did you talk about the energy problems?"
"What, do I look tired to you?"
"No, signore…"
"Good, because I sure am. Glad I'm hiding it. I need a nap."
"Yes, signore. Well, about the energy problems…"
"I never needed a nap when I was a boy in Scranton. Even at nap time, I didn't nap. Other kids would nap, not me, I'd be sitting in class, my eyes darting around the room. Ever wonder where that term came from? Darting eyes. Yup, I'd kill the whole nap time just looking around."
"Ahh, signore, ahh…"
"Some of the girls had long hair, some had short hair… curly and straight, blonde or black or brown… and the teachers too… I could stare at this one teacher for the whole nap time…. she thought I was asleep, but I'd keep one eye open and I could watch her grade papers at her desk, and…"
"Yes signore, well…"
"That was Scranton for ya. Great place to grow up."
"Yes signore, well, I was wondering about the energy shortage, signore. With Europe being pressured to use less energy, and having to import more and more from Russia, now, signore…"
"Pipelines are the answer!"
"I'm sorry, I beg your pardon, signore?"
"Russian pipelines! My staff told me before the trip. Don't forget. Pipelines good. Russian pipelines good. Support Russian pipelines!"
"But didn't you shut down the Keystone pipeline in America, signore?"
"Canadian pipeline. Coming down from Canada. Bad. Real bad. Canadian pipelines bad."
"But Russian pipelines are good, signore?"
"Russian good, Canadian bad."
"Is that so, signore…"
"That's what my staff said. They should know. They're diverse."
"I see, signore."
"Staff knows. Got every kind of staff. Tall, short, men, women, neither, both… black, white, yellow, red… straight, gay, they're diverse."
"What does that have to do with, ahh, with things like tax and energy policy, signore?"
"Huh?"
"You know, signore, it is about economics. It is about what percent to assess on what kind of business it is. You do not charge gay and straight business owners different tax rates, do you?"
"Come on, man! Of course not!"
"You do not charge black and white business owners different tax rates… you do not make young proprietors get their energy from a different sources than old business owners, do you, signore?"
"Come on, man!"
"So why would your staff being black or white, or straight or gay, or young or old, have anything to do with the advice they give, the policies they recommend?"
"Huh?"
"Signore, I am trying to understand, why it matters that you appoint people to check off boxes."
"Boxers? I don't remember. Might've been boxers. Might've been briefs. It was a long time ago."
"What was a long time ago, signore?"
"Boxers or briefs… Last time I changed my shorts. I think it was at the Vatican…"
…end of transmission…
Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based transportation and trade compliance professional, writer and actor. A one-time political activist and former county chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party, his columns have been published by Illinois Review since 2009.
John's first book, a collection of his short stories about voting fraud originally run in Illinois Review, is available on Amazon under the title "The Tales of Little Pavel."
Also available on Amazon is the first volume of his new fiction series, "Evening Soup with Basement Joe," a political satire, set in a parallel universe not quite identical to the Earth of 2021… in which a confused, crooked old man becomes president, and a young aide brings down his nightly bowl of soup and engages him in conversation, in a losing battle to restrain the onset of dementia. Volume one covers the first ninety days of this strange new world.
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